Funny quotes and poems about having kids

There is only one pretty child in the world, and every mother has it.
– Chinese Proverb

The quickest way for a parent to get a child’s attention is to sit down and look comfortable.
– Lane Olinghouse

Raising kids is part joy and part guerrilla warfare.
– Ed Asner, American actor

There are only two things a child will share willingly — communicable diseases and his mother’s age.
– Benjamin Spock, Dr. Spock’s Baby and Child Care, 1945

Women gather together to wear silly hats, eat dainty food, and forget how unresponsive their husbands are. Men gather to talk sports, eat heavy food, and forget how demanding their wives are. Only where children gather is there any real chance of fun.
– Mignon McLaughlin, The Neurotic’s Notebook, 1960

A three year old child is a being who gets almost as much fun out of a fifty-six dollar set of swings as it does out of finding a small green worm.
– Bill Vaughan

As the father of two young girls, I have come to the realization that they are just as messy as boys but the dirt that they create around the house is comprised of at least 50% glitter.
– Andrew K. Keller

My children love my mother, and I tell my children ‘That is NOT the same woman I grew up with…that is an old woman trying to get into heaven now.’
– Bill Cosby

If thine enemy wrong thee, buy each of his children a drum.
– Chinese Proverb

Having children is like living in a frat house – nobody sleeps, everything’s broken, and there’s a lot of throwing up.
– Ray Romano

Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you yell, the name will carry.
– Bill Cosby

If your kids are giving you a headache, follow the directions on the aspirin bottle, especially the part that says “keep away from children.”
– Susan Savannah

Ask your child what he wants for dinner only if he’s buying.
– Fran Lebowitz

When kids hit one year old, it’s like hanging out with a miniature drunk. You have to hold onto them. They bump into things. They laugh and cry. They urinate. They vomit.
– Johnny Depp

Before I got married I had six theories about bringing up children; now I have six children, and no theories.
– John Wilmot

Children are a great comfort in your old age – and they help you reach it faster, too.
– Lionel Kauffman

In general my children refuse to eat anything that hasn’t danced on television.
– Erma Bombeck

You can’t scare me. I have children!
– Garfield

It is an amazing opportunity to be able to ruin someone from scratch. They will believe anything you say. How do you not prank such innocence?
-Jon Stewart

The hardest job facing kids today is learning good manners without seeing any.
-Fred Astaire

If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?
-Milton Berle

A baby’s an inestimable blessing and bother.
-Mark Twain

There are times when parenthood seems nothing more than feeding the hand that bites you.
-Peter De Vries

Having a child is liking getting a tattoo… on your face. You better be committed.
-Eat Pray Love (screenplay)

Even when freshly washed and relieved of all obvious confections, children tend to be sticky.
-Fran Lebowitz

What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees and he told me about the butcher and my wife.
-Rodney Dangerfield

Ah, babies! They’re more than just adorable little creatures on whom you can blame your farts.
-Tina Fey, Bossypants

A Parent’s Prayer
by David Axton

Now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray my sanity to keep.
For if some peace I do not find,
I’m pretty sure I’ll lose my mind.

I pray I find a little quiet,
Far from the daily family riot.
May I lie back and not have to think
About what they’re stuffing down the sink,

Or who they’re with, or where they’re at
And what they’re doing to the cat.
I pray for time all to myself
(did something just fall off a shelf?)

To cuddle in my nice, soft bed
(Oh no, another goldfish–dead!)
Some silent moments for goodness sake
(Did I just hear a window break?)

And that I need not cook or clean
(well heck, I’ve got the right to dream)
Yes now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray my wits about me keep,

But as I look around I know,
I must have lost them long ago!

Home Again, Home Again
by Marilyn Taylor

The children are back, the children are back—
They’ve come to take refuge, exhale and unpack;
The marriage has faltered, the job has gone bad,
Come open the door for them, Mother and Dad.

The city apartment is leaky and cold,
The landlord lascivious, greedy and old—
The mattress is lumpy, the oven’s encrusted,
The freezer, the fan, and the toilet have rusted.

The company caved, the boss went broke,
The job and the love affair, all up in smoke.
The anguish of loneliness comes as a shock—
O heart in the doldrums, O heart in hock.

And so they return with their piles of possessions,
Their terrified cats and their mournful expressions,
Reclaiming the bedrooms they had in their teens,
Clean towels, warm comforter, glass figurines.

Downstairs in the kitchen the father and mother
Don’t say a word, but they look at each other
As down from the hill comes Jill, comes Jack.
The children are back. The children are back.